How Do Narcissists React to Divorce? 

 Posted on November 19, 2024 in Divorce

Divorce can be challenging, regardless of the relationship between spouses. When one spouse exhibits traits of narcissism, the situation becomes much more complex. Those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are fueled by an inflated sense of self-importance, which can trigger unique or totally unexpected responses to divorce. Some have even labeled a divorce with a narcissist a "psychological battlefield."  

If you are married to a narcissist, you likely understand that divorce will not be easy, yet you also know that divorce is essential for your own well-being. While every divorce and every spouse are unique in some way, if you are divorcing a narcissist, you should expect a fight at every stage. Most narcissists want to control every aspect of the divorce, including the judge.

Since narcissists do not like to lose, there will likely be a flurry of motions and fights over the most trivial matters. If you are facing a divorce from a narcissistic spouse, you need a divorce attorney who has experience dealing with narcissists and can help you through the divorce in the best way possible. A Wheaton, IL divorce attorney from The Stogsdill Law Firm, P.C. will be a strong advocate for you from start to finish.

What Are Some of the Most Common Traits Associated with Narcissism?

Narcissistic personality disorder should ideally be diagnosed by a trained psychologist, but those married to a narcissist will likely recognize the following traits:

• A constant need for excessive admiration

• A superiority complex

•  Feelings of entitlement and self-importance

• Exaggeration of his or her talents or achievements

• Preoccupation with power, success, beauty, and brilliance

• Monopolization of conversations

• Expectations of unquestioning compliance with any demand

• An inability to consider the feelings and needs of others

• An inability to handle criticism

• Expressions of contempt or rage when challenged

What Should You Expect When You Ask for a Divorce from a Narcissistic Spouse?

Since narcissistic spouses are often emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive, it can be an intimidating prospect to express your desire for a divorce. A narcissistic spouse will probably immediately get defensive, as they see a request for divorce as a direct assault. While most narcissists appear extremely confident, many struggle with self-esteem issues. Because of this, the narcissist may try manipulation or use guilt to maintain control over the situation. Be prepared for such statements as:

•  "You told me you loved me."

• "Our family will be ruined – and it will be all your fault."

•  "You are making a huge mistake."

•  "Why are you doing this to me?"

• "You will never find another wife/husband like me."

Expect these responses and do your best to state your case firmly without wavering. Narcissists are constantly on the lookout for uncertainty in others that they can exploit and manipulate, so it is essential that you maintain a calm but strong front.

What if You Just Have Your Narcissist Spouse Served with Divorce Papers?

While you may be able to avoid having to discuss divorce with your narcissistic spouse by simply having him or her served with divorce papers, expect an explosion once service occurs. Once served, the reality of the situation has become tangible, and the response is likely to be explosive. Aggression is a common reaction for a narcissist since the power and control he or she thrives on is being taken away.

Angry manipulation is to be expected as the narcissist struggles to regain control of the situation. Expect personal attacks, false accusations, and multiple attempts to drag out the divorce as long as possible. The flip side of an aggressive response is a narcissistic spouse who switches into "sweet manipulation" mode. He or she may become overly affectionate and momentarily cooperative while promising change to stop the divorce. This is a calculated move meant to confuse and create self-doubt in the other spouse.  

Will Your Narcissistic Spouse Become Abusive During the Divorce?

Even if your narcissistic spouse has never been physically abusive during your marriage, the loss of control can sometimes trigger physical abuse. Most spouses of narcissists have experienced emotional, verbal, and perhaps even financial abuse throughout the marriage, which is likely to increase during the divorce.  

Belittling, criticizing, and attempting to make you feel worthless and guilty for instigating the divorce are forms of emotional and verbal abuse. Withholding money or using money and assets to control your behavior is common, as a narcissistic spouse believes if you have no money, you cannot afford to divorce him or her.

How Should You Respond to a Narcissistic Spouse’s Attempt to Abuse or Control You?

It is essential that you document everything during your divorce. Abuse instances should be documented in a way your spouse cannot access (like a shared computer). Inform family members, trusted friends, or your therapist about the situation and seek support. If you feel you are in immediate danger, contact law enforcement or dial 911.

Consider a restraining order, but be aware that, in some cases, this can exacerbate the narcissist’s negative response. While protective orders can be useful in some situations, they do not always stop violent behavior and can, in some situations, increase the danger. If you fear for your life or the life of your child, never rely exclusively on a protective order. Find a safe place and ensure your abuser does not know where you are.

How Will Your Narcissistic Spouse Behave in Court?

Your narcissistic spouse will likely behave perfectly in court as a method of convincing the judge that you are the crazy one and that the divorce is entirely your fault. This can be maddening, although you are likely used to the constant gaslighting that is meant to make you feel as though your feelings and what you have seen with your own eyes are not real – that you are the problem.

Having tangible evidence of who your narcissistic spouse really is can be invaluable. Text messages, photographs of injuries, police reports, voice recordings, letters, and emails can all be very useful during the divorce. Witnesses who have seen your narcissistic spouse treat you badly, or even professionals who can attest to the abuse, can counter this perfect façade your narcissistic spouse is likely to present in court.

How Should You Deal with the Allocation of Parental Responsibilities with a Narcissistic Spouse?

Since most narcissists have little empathy, they tend to see their children as property or pawns rather than human beings with their own feelings and needs. A narcissist is very likely to use your children as leverage and even attempt to alienate you from your children by telling them the divorce is all your fault. Co-parenting with a narcissist will be a constant challenge.

When possible, work toward being the primary custodial parent, with the narcissistic parent having parenting time. Following a parallel parenting plan can be a good choice when a narcissistic parent is part of the equation. Face-to-face contact with your ex can be avoided by having a trusted third party who will handle pickups and drop-offs.

Contact a DuPage County Divorce Lawyer

The best way to deal with a narcissistic spouse during a divorce is to work with a Wheaton, IL divorce attorney from The Stogsdill Law Firm, P.C.. Our attorneys are prepared to take on high-conflict situations and are fully equipped to deal with your narcissistic spouse. For good reason, our firm is one of the most prestigious in the area.   

We have a stellar reputation and the resources to support you throughout your divorce. While we are a large law firm with serious experience, we provide the highly client-centered representation of a smaller firm. Contact The Stogsdill Law Firm, P.C. at 630-462-9500 to schedule a meeting with one of our divorce attorneys.